


To Wish Impossible Things

by allfeelingeye



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013), The Fosters (TV 2013) RPF
Genre: Angst, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-02 08:18:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8659537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allfeelingeye/pseuds/allfeelingeye
Summary: Everybody leaves. Everything ends.





	1. Behind Closed Doors

**Author's Note:**

> I don't put spoilers in the tags. So...yeah. 
> 
> This takes place after the events of episode 3.17 of The F*sters.

“Ok, you have to calm down because we need to know right now what’s happening.”

Stef, while concerned at their shouting and gesturing, couldn’t really understand what Jude and Callie were getting at. The two of them talking over each other didn’t help, but Stef seemed to grasp that the commotion was about Jack and him being thrown down some stairs at a group home. Lena stepped down into the living room from the hallway where she was listening, as confused as Stef was. 

“One at a time, please guys,” added Lena.

“Well,” began an anxious sounding Jude, “like we’ve been telling you, Jack’s been getting a hard time at the group home, and last night some other kids threw him down some stairs. Mom, this place is just as bad as that last one he got moved from. Please, we have to get him out of there. We went to try and see him but they wouldn’t let us past the front door.”

Stef looked to Lena, turned and left the room. Lena stepped in front of Jude and Callie, looking as serious as they had ever seen her, and asked when they had last spoken to Jack.

“He texted me this morning about the stairs thing. But that was like, what, three hours ago? He hasn’t answered any of my texts since and he won’t pick up when I call.” 

Jude looked as frantic as he sounded. Callie put an arm around him and his gaze drifted to the floor. Stef reappeared, car keys in hand and service weapon strapped to her waist. 

“Right, the four of us are going to that home now. It’s out past Emerson High, right?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Callie, feeling as if an air of guilt was surrounding her. Less than a minute later the four of them were in Stef’s squad car headed for Jack’s group home. She had a tight hold of Jude’s hands, possibly the only thing stopping her from screaming. It’ll be my fault, she thought. From the first time I met him I didn’t take his fears seriously. 

For the last three months Jack and Jude have been almost inseparable. Callie saw them as two people essentially helping each other out: Jude providing a safe friendship for Jack, a respite from his unhappiness in the foster system; and Jack being there to help take up Jude’s time, meaning that he wouldn’t sit around moping about Connor being gone. They didn’t do much, Callie often thought, just played video games and ate snacks. She didn’t even think they talked that much. They never looked sad together though, which Callie thought was great. Callie herself had been busy, so how could she have known how bad things had been getting for Jack? Well, if she’d listened to Jude properly she may have. 

Jack had been moved twice in the time Callie had known him. First, he was taken away from a foster family that he said hated him. The group home DCFS put him in was no better, with a black eye after only the second day a sign of things to come for Jack. He turned up Anchor Beach one afternoon, hoping to run into Jude at the end of class. Jack’s glasses had been broken and his things stolen by kids in the home. Jude immediately took Jack to Lena’s office, where she spoke with DCFS and it was agreed he could stay the night with the Adams-Foster’s. Jesus gave up his bed so Jack could share a room with Jude. An exhausted Jack was sleeping as Stef, Lena, and Jude sat in their kitchen and discussed what would happen next. Bill from DCFS said he had found Jack a placement in a different group home with kids that were “less damaged” by the system, as he put it. 

The home that was found for him was no better. He’d been there three days before the stairs incident happened. All Jude could think about on the drive to the group home was his friend bouncing down each step. Jack said in his text to Jude that his neck and shoulder were hurting, and that he’d chipped a tooth. Why would anyone want to do this to him? Jack was, in Jude’s opinion, a nice person. A good person. His friend. But he knows the answer to his own question: circumstance. Jude had lived this nightmare himself. It doesn’t matter how nice a person you are or what you say or do – foster kids get picked on. By foster parents. By other foster kids. By random kids. Such is the lot of a foster kid: an unhappy life. Jude was saved. So was his sister. Stef and Lena saved them. Nobody had saved Jack. In foster care since he was 4, never staying in one place for more than a few weeks. Marked out as weird. Abused because of that ‘weirdness’. Feeling like he’d never survive the system. Jude never said it to Jack but he saw so much of his own existence in what the boy with glasses and long hair had gone through. And Jude was so desperate for Jack to get the happy ending he himself got. 

“This is it,” calls out Callie. Jude snaps back to reality, looking purposefully at the large house they had pulled up in front of. One upstairs light on. That they could see anyway. A hallway light was on too. 

“Guys,” says Stef, turning to the backseat to face Jude and Callie, “you’re to wait here, understand?” Callie nods. Jude goes to speak but thinks better of it as Stef fixes him with a stare. Callie tightens the grip on his hand. They watch as Stef gets out of the car and marches purposefully up to the front door. She bangs on it. Hard. 

Nothing.

She bangs again. 

Lena, Jude and Callie can hear Stef identifying herself. Someone is on the other side of the front door. It opens, and Stef produces her badge. The person on the other side opens up to allow Stef to step inside. They see her disappear down the hallway. 

Seconds pass. Turning to a minute. Then two. 

Suddenly Stef comes hurrying out, cell phone pressed to her ear and shouts for Lena to come to the door. As she runs from the car she turns back and yells for Callie to keep Jude in the car. Lena reaches the door and is led inside by Stef.

It’s driving Jude crazy. He can’t see anything. What have they found? Where’s Jack? Is he…

…then he can see Lena in the hallway, at the far end, running her hand over her face. She’s staring down at something. Something out of Jude’s line of vision. Then he can hear…a noise. Coming from behind the parked car.

It’s a siren. He and Callie spin around. There’s an ambulance careering down the street. They can see a police car behind it, slightly to the left of it. 

It becomes a blur for Jude after that. Lena comes back to the car, beckoning the paramedics forward. A boy is brought out through the front door by a cop. It’s not Jack. He looks about twelve. A paramedic rushes back out of the house. He gets the gurney from the ambulance. 

“Momma…momma what’s…”

Lena faces Jude with the saddest of looks. She opens the back door and lets him climb out, Callie right behind. 

“Honey…just stay here…just stay here…” She holds her son’s hand tightly. 

Then there’s more movement. Stef and another cop, marching someone out of the house. A man. Looks about 40. He’s handcuffed. Jude can’t hear what his Mom is saying to the other cop. She looks over at him though, looking away almost as quickly. Then she steps aside, and there’s the gurney again. With someone on it this time. One paramedic is using the oxygen bag on whoever it is. And they are wearing a neck brace.

“Oh my God,” breathes Callie. Jude looks at her, and he knows. He knows from the way she looks. 

Jude looks back at the moving gurney. And he sees. He sees who it is. His friend. With the oxygen mask over his face. He wants to go to him. But his legs won’t move. So he just stares. Stares as Jack is loaded into the ambulance. Stares as the ambulance doors are closed by one of the cops. Stares as it pulls off down the street. He wants to cry, but he can’t get the tears out. So he vomits instead.


	2. Do/Don't Look Back/Ahead in Anger

When you’re a kid there’re lots of times when you’re excluded or ignored from what goes on around you. People talk about you rather than to you; people lower their voices or talk in hidden code about things they don’t want you to know or hear about; people think you just won’t understand. These people are adults, of course. In most cases they do these things to protect their kids from the horrors of the world. The intentions are good. Jude Adams Foster doesn’t care for good intentions. In fact, he thinks good intentions can fuck off. All his life, or at least as much of his life that he can remember, his path has been paved with good intentions. A succession of social workers and foster parents and foster kids have shown him that what people say and what people do are two different things. He has the scars to prove it. Even his adopted family piss him off with how they say one thing and do another. They say they don’t want to keep him in the dark. They want him to be informed. Well, that’s what his Moms say. The reality is different. Sure, he knows about Jack’s coma; the bleed on his brain; the fractured eye socket; the bruised ribs; the medically-induced coma that the doctors felt was the right move. What he doesn’t know is how all this happened. Doesn’t know who exactly is responsible. His Moms know. He knows they know he doesn’t know. And he doesn’t like it. Not one bit. Because he’s lived through this: abuse in the foster system. He’s been beaten, treated like a ragdoll, like he doesn’t really matter. He gets all of this. 

In the dark he may be, but at least he gets to visit Jack. A week after Jack was pulled from his group home he was still in his coma. The doctors wanted to wait a little longer to try and bring him around. They needed the swelling to go down on his brain. That’s what they told him anyway. While he would sit there after school and hold Jack’s hand his Moms would be talking to various doctors and nurses. Again with the hushed tones. He was calmer in the hospital though. He had to focus, needed to concentrate on his friend. So Jude would just sit there and hold Jack’s hand. He didn’t speak. He didn’t believe in all that nonsense that people in a coma can hear you talk. He just sat there, hopeful. Hopeful that he would feel Jack squeeze his hand back. He couldn’t, obviously. He was in an induced coma. He wasn’t going to just jolt awake, no matter how much Jude wished it to happen. 

***

 

“You know,” he mumbled with a mouthful of food, barely making any sense, “if you keep bringing these things home I’m gonna get fat Mom.”

He’s joking of course. He loves cinnamon rolls. And as long as his Mom keeps bringing them home from the bakery near work he’ll keep eating them. His Mom isn’t really paying him any attention though; she’s got her nose buried in her iPad. 

“Are you even listening to me? Your only child demands your attention!”  
“Mmm…mmm hmm…Connor, come over here.”

He gets up from the lazyboy and shuffles over to the couch where his Mom is lying with her iPad propped up on her knees. When he’s stood next to her she turns it so he can see the screen. It’s a photograph.

“That’s Jude’s Mom, right? There, on the left.”

She slides her fingers across the screen to enlarge the image and Connor can see even from where he’s standing that it’s Stef. 

“Yeah, it is. What’s the picture from?” He kneels down next to his Mom as she readjusts the screen.

“It’s from the San Diego Union-Tribune. There’s a story…hang on…yeah, a child died in a foster home. The police gave some kind of news conference…there’s not a lot of detail…just that there’s an ‘ongoing investigation’. Maybe Jude’s Mom is involved because of her fostering experiences?”

“Yeah…I guess.”

Connor politely made an excuse about having homework to finish and made a beeline for his room. He didn’t like thinking about Jude in front of others. It just made him sad, and people would give him the pity look. It still hurt though. How it all ended. Being told that you’re not wanted as a boyfriend. Or as a friend. How is a 14 year old supposed to deal with that? Well, the truth is that Connor was dealing with it…kind of. He was in the ‘well, what can you do?’ stage, having gone through crying, anger, sleepless nights, more crying, moping, sulking, a bit more crying, more sleepless nights…and he was well on the way to moving on. That’s what he kept telling himself anyway. He’d even stopped obsessively checking his phone. Jude hadn’t contacted him in any way since ‘that’ Skype call. That didn’t stop Connor hoping to find a text or WhatsApp message from Jude. Anything. Any slither of contact, and Connor would have taken it. As days ticked by, turning to weeks, and then a month and then two, it became obvious Jude wasn’t going to contact him. 

Seeing the photo with Stef in it made him want to text Jude. Maybe he could dress it up…something casual. Something breezy. Like Monica in ‘Friends’, when she leaves what she thinks is a casual and breezy voicemail for her ex-boyfriend, but comes off looking like a lunatic. Connor remembered how much he and Jude laughed watching that episode. The memory made him smile. Not all the memories of Jude made him smile, though. Most made him sad. Some made him angry.

That anger. It wasn’t just confined to the memories of Jude.

It also applied to the WhatsApp message Connor received from him three weeks after seeing the photo of Stef.


	3. Acceptance

Jack died on a Tuesday. 

What made it worse for Jude was how drawn out it all was. Two attempts to bring Jack out of his coma. Tests. Then more tests. Then the crushing realisation that his head injury was too severe, and that he couldn’t breathe unaided. 

Jude wasn’t in the room when Jack’s life support was turned off. The decision, such as it was, was made by social services, under advisement from the doctors. His sadness at his friend dying was understandable. But his rage…he exploded at his Moms for not letting him be there. How could they let Jack die alone, with nobody to hold his hand? How could they deny him that right as a friend? They said that they wanted to make it as painless as possible for him. There we are again…with those good intentions. 

There was a small funeral service, with Jude’s family in attendance. And in the end Jack was reduced to some ashes in an urn. There was no family to take them so Jude took possession of them. The urn wasn’t anywhere to be seen in Jude’s room and Stef and Lena wondered what he had done with it, but they decided to leave it for the time being. Jude was grieving. He needed time. 

Did Jude need time? And space? Or something else?

His family was giving him space. They let him stay off school. His brothers and sisters were on eggshells around him. Nobody wanted to trigger him, to make him upset. So there wasn’t much talking when Jude was around. It’s was for the best, they all thought. 

They were wrong. He did need someone to talk to. A shoulder to cry on. Someone who he could share the pain with. But he couldn’t find those things in his family. Not this time. 

Two weeks after Jack died Jude did what he thought he wouldn’t ever do again. 

He picked up his phone, and sent a WhatsApp message. To Connor. It was just one word.


	4. Why?

A typical day for Connor Stevens goes like this: fight the desire to sleep through his alarm; eat a bowl of sugary cereal that will probably ultimately rot his teeth; shower; brush teeth; think about Jude; try to forget about Jude; get dressed (which colour mix of plaid today?); fix hair (on point? Of course it is); grab an apple or something from the kitchen; check hair again on the way out the door (still on point? Of course it is. This is important); run for the bus; nearly miss the bus; make small talk in home room; stare casually at the cute guy in calculus (on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) or English (on Tuesdays and Thursdays); spend half the lunch break in the gym, half in the cafeteria; more classes; maybe catch a glimpse of the cute guy running track during his own soccer practice; dinner; homework; think about Jude again; try to forget about Jude again; Netflix (no chill); sleep.

All routine things. Some boring. Some exciting. Staring at the shy boy who he has classes with is something that he doesn’t think is boring at all. His name is Zeke. He’s a bit of a nerd. Connor likes that. The nerd thing. That, plus his brown ‘surf hair’, and the glasses that he sometimes wears. And his comic book t-shirts. All in all, Connor has stared at worse things. Connor’s never actually spoken to him though. He doesn’t even think Zeke has ever looked at him. He tried to catch his eye once, in the locker room one afternoon. Connor had just finished getting showered and dressed after soccer practice and Zeke slinked into the locker room. Zeke’s locker was at the far end of the bench where Connor was sat pulling on his socks. Zeke was fully immersed on grabbing his things for the shower, and had his back to Connor. Zeke turns around and Connor thinks this is it…that their eyes will meet. They don’t, of course. Instead, Zeke starts to get undressed and Connor looks away hurriedly, taking more time than is necessary pulling on his Vans. By the time he’s done Zeke has gone and there’s a pile of sweaty clothes on the bench next to where Zeke was stood. 

Well, that was a little bit exciting, Connor thinks as he trudges out to the parking lot to his awaiting mother. 

Exciting incidents are always a welcome break from the daily routine. 

There are other things that break up the routine, of course. Annoying things. Taking out the garbage. Having to re-write 500 words of an essay because you forgot to save it before closing your laptop. Forgetting to charge your phone overnight so then it dies almost as soon as you get to school.

And turning your phone on once it’s on charge to find an unexpected message waiting from your ex-boyfriend. 

And if that wasn’t annoying enough then the fact that it contains just one word is even worse.

From Jude:

“Help”


	5. I Don't Want To Talk About It...

He stares at the one-word message for, maybe, twenty seconds. The message was sent 6 hours previously. Connor doesn’t know why he’s fixating on when it was sent. But…“Help”…help with what? Is he in trouble or danger or did he send it by accident or what?

He places the charging-phone back on his nightstand and slumps down on his bed. He ponders what to do. Ignore it and maybe Jude will think he’s a dick. Maybe Jude genuinely needs help. Or maybe…maybe he’s just seeking attention. Yeah, that’s probably it, Connor thinks. Jude the brat is looking for attention.

That burst of hate towards Jude though…it only lasts for a few seconds. He’s tried…he really has. To hate Jude. For what he did. Sure, there has been anger, mixed with sadness. The sadness stayed, the anger went. 

“Why the fuck have you messaged me?” he says out loud to nobody in particular. Sighing, he lies down. Now he’s thinking. Thinking about doing what he knows he shouldn’t do. He doesn’t deserve to hear from you. That’s what the voice in the back of his mind tells him. But his heart…

…Connor rolls over and reaches for his phone. He opens WhatsApp and the message from Jude. 

“last seen today at 14:32”

Nearly 3 hours ago Jude was last online…how urgent could the message have been?

He starts to type, gets four words in and deletes them. Closing his eyes, he thinks for a few seconds, and decides what to put.

“I don’t understand”

Then he sends it. And waits. He’s still staring at the “last seen today at 14:32” and barely dares to blink. Maybe Jude isn’t near his phone. But why would he ask (and he was asking, right?) for help and then not reply? 

A minute goes by. Then two. Then a few more. Then…

“online”

…followed by those two little blue ticks.

Jude had read it. Connor puts the phone back on the nightstand and stares at his celling. He can feel his heart pounding, the noise reverberating around his head. He can’t work out whether he hopes for a reply or to be ignored. He doesn’t have to think for long. His phone pings. There’s a message. Slowly he rolls back onto his side and reaches for the phone. He’s replied. And it’s…not what Connor expected him to say.

From Jude:

“Can I call you?”


	6. ...How You Broke My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter (and chapter 5 before it) is a line from the song by Everything But The Girl (from the late eighties I think) called I Don't Want To Talk About It.

“Is something wrong?”

It seemed like the best response. Better than a “yes” or “no”. It had been months. Why would Jude need to talk to him? This was…weird. But Connor couldn’t deny that a part of him was intrigued by Jude contacting him. Happy even. Despite what he had done. 

Now he was nervous too. Waiting for Jude to reply again. A watched phone never boils…or…something…

…and then…

Jude: Can I?  
Jude: Call you?  
Jude: I’m sorry. I know it’s weird

Connor stares at the messages. His right thumb is shaking. He wants to type a reply but can’t compose himself. His first instinct is to say “no” but he just can’t bring himself to do it. So he starts to type “yes” when another message arrives.

Jude: Please Connor. Please.

Connor takes a deep breath and replies.

Connor: Ok

Within seconds his phone rings, and Connor answers almost straight away. 

“C-Connor…hi.”

Jude sounds…Connor isn’t sure. It doesn’t sound like he’s crying, but…he sounds…sad? Distracted? 

“What’s going on Jude?”  
“I’m…are you ok? How’s…you know…I’m sorry Connor…I’m so sorry…”

Jude spits that out fast, and stops to catch a breath. 

“Jude…you sound…what are you saying sorry for?”  
“For…for everything. Everything’s…my friend died. Jack. He died.”  
“Oh. Um, I’m sorry. The foster kid? What happened?”  
“He…he got beat up. Some other kids.”  
“Oh. Is that…is that why you wanted to call me? You sent that message that said ‘help’…I dunno…do you, like, wanna talk about it or something?”  
“I…I guess. I don’t know. They…Callie and the others…they just…”

Connor doesn’t really know what to say. Him and Jude don’t have their…their ‘thing’ anymore. That thing where they could tell each other anything. Where Jude could tell Connor about his miserable life as a foster child. Where Connor could confide in Jude about Adam and all his bullshit. That thing that meant they could come out to each other. That thing where they told each other ‘I love you’…

All that was gone. 

In his eyes anyway. 

But now he has Jude on the phone, looking for a shoulder to cry on. 

“…I just…I dunno…I don’t really have anyone I can, you know…talk to about this. I mean…he was kinda…you know…”  
“What…was he your boyfriend?”

Connor doesn’t realise that the volume of his voice rose as he asked that. 

“No no, nothing like that,” stammers Jude, and he sniffs, with Connor realising that Jude is crying now, “ I just mean…he was my…my only friend. And now…now he’s gone and I figured you’d be able…that you’d understand…because of what I did…the whole los-”  
“What? Are you, like, comparing someone dying with someone being broken up with? It’s not…it’s not the same Jude. Look, I’m really sorry about your friend.”  
“No…I just meant…I said it wrong. What I mean is…I regret what I did to you…to us…and I miss you and I wish that I could tur-”  
“Look, Jude…it can’t…what happened to your friend sucks. I mean, really…it’s really horrible. But…I don’t know what…you said you didn’t want me as a friend or a boyfriend. And I’ve left you alone. Me and you…I can’t be that person Jude. This is too…”  
“I-I-I’m sorry Connor…but please…please…”  
“Jude, I gotta go. I’m sorry.”

Connor barely gets the last line out before he hangs up and buries his face in his pillow. And cries.


	7. Whadda Ya Hear, Whadda Ya See?

Most people know a person like that…a friend, or family member. Maybe a colleague at work or a kid at school. Someone who is…weird isn’t the word, exactly. But…quiet. Kind of distant. Detached. Someone who you notice one minute and forget about the next. 

This is what Jude Adams Foster became to his family. Someone who was there but…not there. He got over his grief. Went back to school. Was a good student. An unproblematic brother and son. So much so that his Moms and the others didn’t have to worry about him like they used to. And so when people stop worrying so much they tend to stay out of your business.

Which is exactly what Jude wanted. 

So when he said he dropped his MacBook down the stairs and needed a new one his Moms were ok about it. They didn’t buy him a new one, rather a refurbished one that was cheaper. 

Obviously Jude didn’t drop the MacBook. It wasn’t even broken. He sold it. He wanted the money, and got $250 for it. More or less what he needed. He felt like another $50 would be needed though. Just in case. So he was extra frugal with his allowance for a several weeks. Which wasn’t hard as besides school he didn’t really go anywhere nor do anything that required spending money. 

And so, seven weeks after his ill-fated phone call with Connor, Jude left the Adams Foster house on a Saturday morning. On his way out the door he yelled at Lena that he was going for a walk to the beach. She yelled back something about being home for lunch. He didn’t hear everything she said. And he definitely didn’t want to see her. That would have been too hard. Taking a deep breath he stepped onto the porch and gently closed the front door. And started walking.


	8. ¿Dónde está?

SATURDAY.  
Connor walked into Bowl-o-rama and spotted him instantly. He was over at the counter getting bowling shoes. Looking all casual and nerdy. Spiderman comic cover t-shirt. Glasses. What is it about the glasses thing, he wonders to himself. Shawn leads them over to the group getting shoes, of which Zeke is a part. It’s Troye’s birthday, so he invited a few people to go bowling. Connor knows him and Shawn from soccer. Turns out Zeke is Shawn’s cousin, which Connor only discovered on the ride there. As he gets closer to where Zeke is stood he becomes increasingly self-conscious about his appearance. Blue and black plaid shirt, black jeans, blue Converse. He suddenly thinks colour-coordinating himself makes him look like a douche. And the hair...he should have spent more time on it. And there’s Zeke…looking like he made no effort but still looking incredibly…hot? 

Seconds later he’s pulling his shoes off and handing them over in exchange for shitty bowling shoes. He sits on a chair next to the counter to tie them up and when he stands is when he sees Zeke stood right in front of him. 

“Hi. Connor, right? I’m Zeke.”

As if Connor didn’t already know this. He manages to shake Zeke’s hand and confirm his identity without stumbling over his words or being awkward, and he feels quite proud of himself. He ends up on a team with Zeke, Shawn and another guy called Chris who doesn’t go to their school but who the other all seem to know. Connor is really good at bowling, it turns out. He wins versus his group and then plays the winners from each of the other three groups and wins that too. He’s feeling quite pleased with himself. But not as pleased with himself as when, as they all get burgers and fries from the nearby McDonalds afterwards, Zeke sits next to him as they eat. It takes him a few seconds to accept and understand that Zeke is sat with him and talking to him. 

And flirting with him. Connor’s sure of it. Turns out Zeke watches Connor’s teams’ soccer games. And that he has season tickets to LA Galaxy with his Dad. Before Connor knows what is happening Zeke invites him to the Galaxy game the following evening. Zeke’s Dad is out of town, you see. And Zeke needs someone to go with.

“My mom can take us and pick us up afterwards, she won’t mind. My brother doesn’t like to go so it’ll be good to still get to see the game, you know?”  
“Um…yeah…yeah, sure, that sounds cool. Thanks.”

They swap numbers and text each other after they’ve gone home. This was unchartered territory for Connor. He got the impression that Zeke was flirting with him. And he could be wrong, of course. He could just be being friendly. What were the odds, of there being another gay kid in his grade? Maybe he could ask Shawn? But it seemed a bit forward asking Shawn “hey, your cousin is cool, does he happen to be gay?”

***

They weren’t too worried at lunch time. Calls went straight to voicemail. Texts hadn’t been read but he could be inside a mall or somewhere where cell phone signal was shitty. By mid-afternoon though Lena was worried. They always had a rough idea where all their kids were. And at the very least they could get in contact with them. Except now. 

3pm. Texts from Lena and Stef unread. Multiple unanswered calls. Stef drives down to the beach near the kids’ school. No sign of Jude. Callie called Taylor but she hadn’t seen Jude since class on Friday. Plus, as she told Callie, she and Jude didn’t really hang out that much anymore. Which was news to her. And made her think that if she were honest with herself she didn’t know too much about what had been going on with her brother lately. 

5pm. All the kids are home. Except Jude of course. Lena was the last to see or hear from him, when he left the house that morning. Jesus had seen him briefly when he got up that morning. Callie, Brandon and Mariana hadn’t seen him at all. Neither had Stef. Mike, AJ, Donald, Lena’s parents, Stef’s Mom…none of them had seen or heard from him. Between them they tried to work out if any of Jude’s things were missing. His school backpack wasn’t in his room but it wasn’t unusual for him to take that with him places. His computer was still on his desk. There didn’t seem to be any clothes missing. No visible signs that he had run away or anything. 

6.15pm. Stef has Jude’s likeness and information circulated with the SDPD. Officially he has to have been gone for 24 hours to be classed as missing but people were out looking for him. Between the family they tried to come up with a list of places he might go. It was short. They didn’t really know where he liked to go or what he liked to do. Stef took Callie and AJ with her to drive around a few places, and Brandon took Mariana with him while Jesus stayed at the house with Lena. By 8.30 they were all back at the house. They all began to drive each other crazy with speculation about where he may have gone and what he was doing. At one point Jesus suggested that maybe he ran away to Mexico but it was pointed out to him that Jude didn’t have a passport. 

Nobody really slept that Saturday night. Not anyone in the house. Not Mike who was out searching with other officers. 

And not Jude. 

***  
SUNDAY.  
Half a dozen outfit changes later and Connor was lingering in his hallway waiting for his ride. He settled on a white tee, black basketball shorts and fresh Jordan’s. The casual and breezy look. For his non-date. As soon as he heard the car horn he threw the front door open and tried to make his way as casually as possible to the car. There was Zeke, all hair and glasses, smiling from the front seat. Connor waved as coolly as possible as he approached. He slid in and after exchanging pleasantries they were en route to the stadium. The journey was mercifully short. Connor was nervous. He kept reminding himself that it wasn’t a date. It wasn’t. Just two guys hanging out in a total hetero way. 

And as they approached the entrance gate, after saying their thanks to Zeke’s Mom, it was then that Connor noticed Zeke’s laces. They were rainbow coloured. Zeke must have noticed Connor staring.

“It’s to show support for the community. They’re doing it this week in league’s all over the world. A kind of LGBT campaign thing for soccer. You hadn’t heard?”

Connor was genuinely nonplussed. Surely, as a gay kid, he should have known that he thinks. Maybe I’m a bad gay, he wonders. 

“Ordinarily,” Zeke continues, “I wouldn’t wear rainbow laces with these shoes as they clash you know? But it’s not so bad. Plus, maybe if I can get Robbie Rogers to notice them somehow it might impress him. I’ve got posters of him in my room. And this jersey obviously. I might be a bit obsessed. I stalk his Instagram daily.”

Connor looked at Zeke’s face. Has he understood this correctly? Is he…is he saying he has a thing for a soccer player? Because that would mean…wouldn’t it?

“Oh. So…so you’re…you are?”  
“What, gay? Yeah. I mean…didn’t Shawn tell you? I was pretty sure he would once he knew we were coming here.”  
“Shawn knows?”  
“Yeah, not many do. I’m out but not at school. Not yet. Shawn knows ‘cause we’re family and stuff. My parents obviously. But my best friend goes to a different school and so there isn’t really a need to broadcast it around our school, you know?”

Connor nods, trying not to give the game away. If possible Zeke has just become 100% hotter in his eyes. 

“Obviously Shawn told me that you’re out. I know you’re comfortable with being out too. That’s really cool. But it’s not like I only invited you to this because you’re gay or whatever. Just that you seem…you know, nice…a good guy. So…what I mean is that I don’t mind telling you all this because…you know…I’m hoping you’ll keep it to yourself at school and whatever.  
“Oh…for sure,” stammers Connor, “my lips are sealed.”  
“Great. So, hotdog? The sausages here are great!”

Connor does his absolute best not to have a stroke on the spot. In fact, he holds it together pretty well throughout the game. He likes listening to Zeke’s stories about running track and liking to watch (but not play) soccer, and going to Comic Con. He’s pretty cool. And Connor is pretty smitten. On the ride home Zeke mentions that he’s put some photos from the game on Instagram, including a selfie of the two of them. Connor’s battery has died though so will have to wait until he charges his phone. After saying goodnight and heading back inside Connor smiles to himself as he wanders up the stairs. LA isn’t all bad he thinks. He plugs his phone in and heads straight to Instagram. The photos look great. Especially the selfie of the two of them. He loves the caption too. ‘United by our <3 of soccer.’ 

He ‘likes’ all the photos and opens WhatsApp to text Zeke when he notices he has a message waiting from someone else. It’s an audio clip.


	9. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is drawn from the track 'Angel' by Massive Attack. I suggest giving it a listen before reading it. To, you know, get you in the mood...
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbe3CQamF8k

SUNDAY.  
The whole family spends the day searching. Armed with photos of Jude they separate into smaller groups and branch out around San Diego. They try to cover as many places as possible, but it’s a thankless task. The police help obviously, with Jude now officially declared as missing and vulnerable. There’s no guarantee that Jude is even still in San Diego, though. The bus station, train station, hospitals, busy public places. Nothing. A Facebook page is set up by a student at Anchor Beach for people to report any sightings of him. They get a few cranks in the first few hours it’s up.  
***  
12.30pm. Monte arrives at the Adams Foster house. She brings with her 500 flyers with a recent picture of Jude and his basic information written on. She used the school’s printers to get them done. She says that the Anchor Beach students and parents have been texted about Jude being missing.  
***  
1.50pm. Mariana, AJ and Mike are at Balboa Park putting up some flyers and asking people if they may have seen Jude.  
***  
2.30pm. Callie and Stef have been to the train station and bus stations to do something similar.  
***  
3.10pm. Callie and Stef follow a sighting of Jude on the Facebook page. A woman is sure she saw him earlier in the day at a McDonalds downtown. They get there and ask the staff but nobody is able to remember seeing him or not.   
***  
3.55pm. Connor is picked up by Zeke and his Mom for the ride to the LA Galaxy game.  
***  
6.30pm. The Adams Foster’s, along with Mike, AJ, Monte and Stef’s mother Sharon, are at the house discussing what to do. The police have reassured them they are doing everything they can to find Jude. Monte receives a call from a teacher who was at the beach at the school and says that she could see that the lights were on in the school gym.   
***  
6.50pm. Monte arrives at the school with Jesus. The plan is to shut the lights off in the gym and then drive to meet Callie, Brandon, Stef and Lena at the mall to hand out flyers of Jude. Mariana, AJ and Mike follow up a downtown sighting of Jude from the Facebook page. A middle aged lady reckons she saw Jude at a gas station convenience store earlier in the day.   
***  
6.55pm. Monte and Jesus approach the gym and can see that the lights inside are on. They enter.  
***  
6.55pm. Mariana, AJ and Mike arrive at the gas station. The girl working the desk in the convenience store says that a kid that looked like Jude ‘may’ have come in earlier. But she couldn’t be sure.   
***  
6.56pm. Monte calls the police.  
***  
6.58pm. Mariana, AJ and Mike fan out. There are a few bars open, as well as a motel across the street and some restaurants around the block. They each take some leaflets and agree to meet back at the car in 15 minutes.  
***  
6.58pm. Jesus calls Stef.  
***  
7.10pm. Mike has had no luck at the bars near the gas station. Neither has AJ at the 7-Eleven or CVS nearby. Mariana asks at a Mexican restaurant if they can tape a flyer to their door, and they agree.   
***  
7.30pm. The police finally arrive at the Anchor Beach gym.   
***  
7.32pm. As Mariana, AJ and Mike are about to drive off from the gas station a woman approaches the car. She taps on the window and says she has just seen the flyer in the Mexican restaurant. She thinks that she has seen Jude twice: once yesterday; once today. Over near the motel.  
***  
7.35pm. Lena and Brandon arrive to collect Jesus from Anchor Beach. Monte has to stay while the police carry out an inspection of the damage from whoever had broken in. Jesus tells them about the smashed windows, beer bottles and pizza boxes. The police think someone had a party in there.  
***  
7.35pm. Mike leads Mariana and AJ into the motel office. It’s a shabby place. From the window Mariana can see a small swimming pool in the courtyard, surrounded by rooms a storey high. They ask the woman on the desk if she has seen or recognises Jude. She doesn’t. But she admits she only started her shift at 4pm. She calls the duty manager on the phone. He’s at a nearby bar and agrees to come to the office.  
***  
7.50pm. Connor arrives home, and heads upstairs. After a few minutes discovers the audio message on his WhatsApp.  
***  
7.52pm. The duty manager arrives. He takes a couple of seconds to look at Jude’s picture on the flyer.

And then confirms that he has seen Jude.

Room 206. Checked in Saturday. With an older guy. Paid for 2 nights.  
***  
7.53pm. Connor starts to listen to the audio message. Roughly 20 seconds in his mother comes into his room to ask about the game. She is startled to see Connor listening to something on his phone with tears running down his face.  
***  
7.54pm. Mike, Mariana, AJ and the duty manager are climbing the stairs to room 206. 

Mike bangs on the door. No response.

The duty manager hands Mike the key and the others all stand back. Mike produces his service weapon. And unlocks the door. 

The room appears empty. 

“That’s Jude’s backpack,” calls out Mariana. It’s on the floor next to the apparently unused bed. The others enter the room behind Mike. Mariana sees his phone on the nightstand. AJ notices the bathroom light is on. He can see it as the door isn’t properly closed.

He walks over and pushes it open. 

“Mike…”  
***  
7.54pm. Connor drops his phone as the message ends and breaks down uncontrollably. Sinking to his knees his Mom reaches out for him and pulls him into an embrace. He tries to talk but all he can get out are sobs.  
***  
7.55pm. Mariana is screaming. She’s screaming Jude’s name. AJ has hold of her.

Mike is kneeling on the bathroom floor. He grabs a toothbrush from next to the sink. Slowly he turns Jude onto his side and puts the plastic end into Jude’s mouth. 

There’s a gag reflex. He vomits. Pills. Some food. But he’s still unconscious.

“Jude? Jude? Can you hear me?”

Mike can hear the duty manager on the phone, pleading for an ambulance. 

“M-M-M-My moms,” stutters Mariana. She tries to compose herself and pulls out her cell phone. 

Someone answers her call. She can’t get the words out. AJ takes the phone from her, and says what Mariana cannot. AJ notices the way Jude’s mouth is hanging open. And how his skin has gone a strange colour. 

He can’t tell Lena this though because that would be too…cruel. Final. 

Then he can hear a siren…Lena is asking where they are…Mariana moves away from him and kneels next to Jude. 

That siren…the ambulance. It’s close now. That’s what AJ and Mike can hear. Mariana isn’t hearing it. Everything she has is focused on her brother. Lying on the cold bathroom floor of a dingy motel in a pool of his own vomit. 

The siren stops. All AJ and Mike can hear are Mariana’s cries. She’s calling out his name. Over and over. The cries get louder.

Lena is still on the phone with AJ. She hears the cries too.


	10. Fallout

Callie, Stef, Brandon, Jesus and Lena arrived at the hospital before the ambulance. The others were all on their way. 

Jude’s stomach was pumped en route in the ambulance. Vicodin. And other unidentified pills. The paramedics brought the Vicodin bottle from the motel, as well as some of the unidentified pills that they picked up from the bathroom floor.

As Jude was wheeled in there was a commotion as his family swarmed around his gurney. It was chaotic, with everyone talking over each other. They’re all horrified at Jude’s appearance. Even with the oxygen bag over his face he looks like a ghost. A couple of nurses are trying to shepherd them from around the gurney, insisting that they need to attend to Jude, who suddenly begins convulsing violently. 

Now Callie is crying and screaming Jude’s name, held back by Lena and Brandon as they quickly push Jude towards a trauma room. Mariana, AJ and Mike arrive and there’s more commotion. Stef interrogates them, like she’s still on duty. They answer as best they can but not much is known apart from the fact that Jude appears to have overdosed in a motel room. 

A few minutes later a nurse approaches and they swarm round her. This time there’s silence as she talks. Jude had a seizure. It’s stopped and they’ve had to intubate while they stabilise him. A doctor will come out soon. Lena is asking about if he’s awake. He’s not. More questions. The nurse does her best but she’s clearly just been sent out to placate the family. With a sympathetic smile she bustles off back towards the trauma room. 

Slowly they migrate to a seated area. Crying has given way to harsh breathing. Callie and Mariana are gripped to each other. Brandon and Jesus linger, looking as uncomfortable as they must feel. Lena and Stef are trying to reassure each other in that silent way they have. 

In amongst the chaos Lena doesn’t realise her phone had been ringing. If she had she would have seen it was a boy calling from Los Angeles. A very distraught boy.


	11. Unforgiven

“It’s not as simple as defining it as an abandonment complex. Yes, that forms part of it, but he feels a profound sense of guilt for what happens to those he loves, even if it’s not something he has control over. Our chats have been brief so far. In a few days I hope to be able to tell you more. For now, you just have to sit with him. Let him know you’re there.”  
“What about…what about the pills? Has he said anything about that? Or who this guy was at the motel?” asks Stef.  
“No. As I explained yesterday the immediate goal is to settle him down and allow him to relax. To start firing questions at him now serves no purpose. Where he got the Vicodin and the other pills from can be worked out later. “Look,” and Dr Ramos leans forward now and takes off his glasses, “Jude is safe and physically he is fine. He’s in the best place for us to figure out the rest. We’ll talk again tomorrow, alright?”

Stef and Lena stand and thank Dr Ramos who heads down the corridor and away. 

Three days ago they wouldn’t have thought things would be alright. They saw their son, overdosed and unconscious, being wheeled into hospital, his stomach having been pumped. They saw him seizing, his eyes rolling in the back of his head. Then a period of unconsciousness. Then Jude waking up startled and scared, trying to rip out his intubation tube. And then…silence. Jude wouldn’t talk to anyone. Apart from Dr Ramos, apparently. They felt helpless here. But at least Jude was alive. That’s what they kept reminding themselves. It could have been worse. A lot worse.

***

It hurts to open his eyes. The bright lights in his windowless room were annoying him. He just wanted to sleep. Sleep was good. But it was too busy here, too much noise, too many people moving around. He had a roommate but yesterday he was moved out. The roommate annoyed him too. Jude didn’t know where he’d gone. Didn’t care either. Lying on his side, Jude stretches out an arm and picks up his watch from the nightstand. 12.09pm. He puts it back down and sighs. A nurse will be in soon, he guesses. To get him out of bed. Even though he doesn’t want to. His stomach hurt still. From being pumped. Dr Ramos told him it would pass. A couple of days. 

He’s sort of hungry. Usually they bring him food, and they’re supposed to today. From tomorrow he has to eat meals in gen pop. Dr’s orders. He really doesn’t want to do that. He really doesn’t want to speak to Dr Ramos at 2pm either. But he will have to. Then suddenly, as he’s lying there…

…he feels like…he gets the feeling that…

Jude rolls over slowly. 

There’s someone sat in the corner. On the floor. A pair of eyes on him.

Connor’s been crying. He looks like he hasn’t slept. Bags under his eyes. Pale skin. Jude’s surprised how much he’s taking in of Connor’s appearance. 

Slowly, Jude sits up. Not once does he take his eyes off Connor. Not once does Connor take his eyes off Jude.

He wants to ask what he’s doing here. How long he’s been sat there. Jude mouths words but no sound comes out. His throat is still sore and dry from being intubated. 

A minute goes by…nothing. But then Connor’s face starts to…change. It becomes less sad. More…angry? Then he stands up, again not taking his eyes off Jude. Slowly, he makes his way towards the bed, and stops at the foot. Connor’s not crying now. 

He sets his jaw and stands up straight, and speaks.

“You’re a selfish dick.”


	12. Go Let It Out

“Establishing the timeline is important. Important for me so I can help you, but important for you so you can learn to come to terms with it. Do you understand that? And you shouldn’t look at it like it’s me interrogating you, ok? It’s all part of your recovery, Jude.”

Jude nods slowly, and breaks the eye contact with Dr Ramos. He’s been waiting for this for days. Each time they sit down for one of their one-on-one sessions Jude waits for the question about how he did all this. And today it comes. Jude has already talked about his Mom, about Connor. And Jack. Jude actually found himself being quite passive in talking about them. But to confront the shame he felt about his suicide attempt…thinking of that made him nauseous. Ramos slowly prods Jude, starting with when Jude decided to put his plan into action. 

“I guess…I didn’t want it. The…the pain. Not anymore. I’ve lost all these people. They all meant something to me.”  
“What about your family? Your Moms. Your brothers and sisters. They’re in your life. They’re there to help you, no?”  
“I…I know…but it’s…these…what did I do? Like, Jack…what did I do to make him get taken away? Or my Mom? My mom…”  
“It’s extreme though Jude. To take this course of action. And you took your time to plan it out and carry it out. We have to confront that. But you have to understand that your Mom dying, and Jack too…these things aren’t your fault. Nothing you’ve done has contributed to those things.”

For more than an hour they talked about how he had planned it. How Jude had read online about suicide. Studied it. How he wanted to, as he put it, “slip away”. How he thought that an overdose would be “easier on the family”. Ramos didn’t push him on that point. But they would return to it. What firstly alarmed Ramos was Jude’s admission that Jude had bought the Vicodin from a kid near the beach. Jude said it was just some kid who he knew sold weed to some kids in his school. So he paid the kid extra for the Vicodin. The older guy who was mentioned by the motel manager, the guy who had checked in with Jude, turned out to be a homeless guy Jude had found outside a shelter close to the motel.

“He was…for a homeless guy he was dressed ok. Like, you probably wouldn’t have been able to tell he was homeless. I paid him $40 to pretend to be my Dad.”

Jude was silent for nearly a minute after admitting that. Ramos was actually encouraged by how Jude was able to talk about this, how it didn’t seem to pain him too much. Jude hadn’t cried once since their session started, he noted. This was the first time he hadn’t. 

Until he moved onto what happened on Sunday afternoon. 

“I…I went to see my Mom. I haven’t…I hadn’t been in…I dunno. I just wanted to go one more time.”

Jude lowered his head. Ramos could see the tears falling into his lap. 

“I sort of tried to…explain. I wouldn’t have wanted her to…have been disappointed in me.”  
“Did you reconsider at any point? That maybe doing this would cause pain for others?”  
Jude just shrugs in response to this. After a while he asks if Dr Ramos if he’s in trouble with the police for buying the pills or for paying the homeless guy to check him into the motel.   
“No. I’ll have to fill the police in on a couple of the details, as it’s an open case. A drug overdose is a serious thing Jude. And they will want to speak to the homeless man you’ve told me about.”

The feelings of guilt were overwhelming him. Despite his planning and efforts there’s his family, and the motel guy, and the homeless guy. And Connor. All these people he’s caused problems for. Things don’t get any easier for him as Dr Ramos moves the conversation along.

“You’ve been getting visits from your family. Has it been good to see them?” He just shrugs, still hanging his head. “Your Moms say that you don’t really talk when they see you. Do you have things you want to say to them, but can’t?” Again, with the shrugging. And then…

“You had another visitor. Connor. He was here yesterday wasn’t he. How was it seeing him?”

Now Jude looked up. Dr Ramos had fixed his gaze on him, pen and pad down, hands clasped. And he waited for Jude to collect himself. For Jude, seeing Connor was horrible. Not horrible as in…Connor is horrible. Because that’s not true. But him being there…seeing how upset he looked, and then how angry he looked. Jude did that. I did that, he thinks. He wanted to apologise, wanted to try and explain, but he couldn’t get the words out. And then Connor had stormed out. He hadn’t come back. 

“I…I didn’t know he would come…I wouldn’t have wanted him to see me like that…I…”  
“He obviously has been an important figure in your life, Jude. Someone you have cared deeply for. Someone who has cared deeply for you. Are you that surprised he would want to be here? Especially after you reached out to him. After you left him the message that you did.”

Jude’s eyes go wide. Surely Connor didn’t…surely Dr Ramos doesn’t know…

“It was a very sad message that you left for him Jude. When I spoke with Connor on Monday he was very distressed.”   
“And he…he told you…about the…about what I said…”  
“The message? The audio message? Yes, Jude. Connor played it for me. I asked him to. I felt it was important to listen to it as part of my efforts to help you.  
“And Monday…Monday…so he came…”  
“Yes, Connor came here the morning after you were brought in. He’s been here every day. Except today.”

Jude’s trying to work this out…Connor came on Monday. Today is Friday. He stormed out of Jude’s room yesterday, which was Thursday. He’s been…every day. Was he waiting to see him? Or just waiting for a chance to yell at him?

“Connor seemed to leave rather abruptly yesterday. Did you two talk?”  
“N-No. Not really. He just…” and Jude trails off. Dr Ramos waits though. “He was…he was mad, I think. I don’t…he looked really mad and I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…”

Jude balls his fists into his face and cries. He then pulls his legs up from the floor and wraps his arms around his knees and buries his face in them. 

Some progress, thinks Dr Ramos to himself.


	13. All the King's Horses and All the King's Men...

It’s a full two weeks before Jude is allowed home. Two weeks in the juvenile psych ward. Two weeks of one to one sessions with Dr Ramos. Two weeks of group therapy. Two weeks of eating with strangers and having to queue for the bathroom and random roommates and…family visits. His Moms have been every day. Sometimes with some things he might need, a change of clothes or a book perhaps. Other times just to sit with him. And they try and get him to talk which doesn’t happen much. He knows Dr Ramos tells them how he’s doing anyway. When his brothers and sisters come it’s even worse, as they don’t know how to react to him. They don’t all come every day though. Moms must have designed a roster, he thinks. And Connor…Connor hasn’t been back. That would probably be the hardest part, if he had to face Connor again. Just talking about him with Dr Ramos was painful. 

When his discharge day arrives (or release day as Jude keeps referring to it) he just wants to leave. But there’s form filling and more questions and rules about medication etc. Dr Ramos is happy with Jude’s progress. The sleeping pills he’s been prescribed will be handled by his Moms, and Jude officially will be an out-patient. He has to see Dr Ramos twice a week for the first month, as well as attend weekly group sessions with other teens. And so, at 10.57am on a bright Monday morning Jude leaves hospital and goes home.

His brothers and sisters are all at school. He’s so fucking glad about that because he just can’t deal with them right now. Just being back in the house is weird. Being back in his room is…it’s like he doesn’t really belong here. He feels like he’s invading this space now. Everything is where he left it though. And his backpack…the one he took with him to…yeah, that’s there too. In the corner. He can’t see his phone. Maybe his Moms have it. Sitting down on the bed his thoughts are occupied with what to do. His Moms and Dr Ramos talked about being eased back into schoolwork over the next few weeks. It’s weird, he thinks to himself…he was only in the hospital for two weeks but had become accustomed to the daily schedule. But now he needs a different schedule. And he’s sure his Moms aren’t going to let him sit around watching TV or playing video games. He’s so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t hear Lena come in the bedroom. 

“So honey, dinner tonight…anything special you’d like? Tacos…chicken…anything. Just name it.”

He just shrugs. “I don’t mind, really. Anything is better than hospital food, I guess.”  
“Ok. So…How would you feel about a visitor? Someone has asked if they can come see you.”

He wants to say that he’d rather just be left alone. But he doesn’t want to seem rude to Lena, because she’s trying so hard and he’s been such a…he’s put her and Stef and the others through a nightmare and he has to try and make things right. He has to.

I have to.

“I guess so. It’s not a therapist or anything is it because I just think that i-“  
“No no, honey. It’s Connor. Connor wants to come and see you.”


	14. Young Adult Friction

“Hi.”  
“Hi.”

They were just standing there, looking anywhere but at each other. Lena had said something about just yelling if they need anything. And so for about 15 seconds the mutual greetings just hung in the air. 

“Um…do you…do you wanna sit?” and Jude motioned towards the couch. Connor briefly catches Jude’s gaze before nodding, looking away and shuffling over to sit down. When he’s sat down Connor slides his backpack off his shoulders. Jude takes a seat next to him. Not too close, but not too far away either. 

“So…when my Mom said…when she told me you wanted to come over…I didn’t really expect that you would. Not after…”  
“Yeah…well…after what I said in…in the hospital…I have to back to LA the day after tomorrow and I just wanted…”

He turns to face Jude.

“…I just wanted to say that…I’m glad you didn’t die.”

Jude tries to smile, but it’s taking all the strength he has not to cry. So he just carries on staring at Connor, hoping that Connor can see in his eyes that those words are…those words are everything. They mean everything. Maybe, just maybe, this would be okay...

“My doctor…he says that talking to the people who I might have caused hurt to…people that I…care about…it’s part of my treatment. Like, confronting stuff. Not running away from it.”  
“Oh…okay. And so…you’re getting better? I mean, you’re home…that must be a good thing, right?”  
“Um…yeah. I think they had to be sure that…you know…once I get here that I wouldn’t…do it…again…”  
“And do you want to? Do it again?”  
“What? No. No. Of course not. Why? Why would you think I would?”  
“Because…Jude…what if…that message Jude. I don’t…I can’t listen to anything like that ever again.”  
“Oh…”

He’d forgotten about it. Pushed it to the back of his mind. He’d been focusing so much on his overdose and Connor storming out of the hospital that he’d not considered that Connor would bring up the audio message. 

“…um…I just had to tell…I didn’t want you to be…”  
“Jude…it was your suicide note.”

It hangs in the air. 

Finally, it’s Jude who breaks the silence.

“Dr Ramos…he said that he made you play it for him. I wish you hadn’t had to do that. I’m…I’m sorry.”

Connor doesn’t respond with words, but just turns to look back at Jude. He blinks and nods slightly. Jude then continues.

“I know it must be hard for you to forgive me and I’m glad you have, and I j-“  
“What?” replies Connor in a low voice.  
“What?”  
“Forgive…forgive you? What do you mean?”  
“Um…you know…for…leaving you that message…”  
“But…Jude…it’s not as easy as that. I…do you even remember what you said?”  
“Of…yeah…of course…I mean…”  
“Jude…you kept saying…over and over…” and Connor stops and rubs his hands over his face. “Of course I would think…what did you expect, really? That I wouldn’t think it was my fault? It was like…” and he stops again, this time to wipe tears from his eyes. Jude’s just watching silently, tears forming in his own eyes. Slowly, Jude reaches out, and tries to place his hand gently on Connor’s shoulder. Connor recoils at the first touch and pulls away.   
“Jude…you can’t just…this is too much…I can’t…”  
“B-B-But if…you’re here…my Moms said you wanted…wanted to see me…and I thought…what I did was…”  
“I didn’t want to leave things…the hospital…what I said…I couldn’t leave it like that. I…I guess I wanted to make sure that…to see that you’re…ok…and home.”

Suddenly Connor gets up, and reaches for his backpack.

“I’ve gotta go…I’ve…gotta go,” and Connor makes a beeline for the door.  
“But…I thought…you’re not staying for dinner? Moms said th-“  
“No,” and Connor stops at the entrance to the living room, and turns his head to just about meet Jude’s gaze. 

“Bye Jude.”

***

He sits picking at his food with his fork. He might notice the stolen glances in his direction from the other sat around the kitchen island. Then again, he might not. The silence during dinner is, if it’s even possible, more excruciating than his awkward reunion with his brothers and sisters earlier. Anytime someone tries to start a conversation it barely lasts a minute. And then Callie opens her mouth…

“So, Jude, Moms said Connor was gonna come over. How did it go?”

Jude stops picking at the food, puts his fork down and looks over at her.

“It didn’t. I mean…he came here, but…he hates me. For what I did. Leaving him a message when…” and he finds he can’t finish that sentence, not in front of everyone.   
“Jude…Jude, please look at me,” pleads Callie, and he does, slowly. “Jude…Connor doesn’t hate you. He…he wouldn’t have said that, or felt that. He’s probably…just…Jude, do you know what he did? What he said?”  
“Callie,” says Lena, a clear warning in her voice.

Suddenly, Jude is looking between Callie and his Momma, trying to comprehend the silent exchange going on between them.

“What? Callie, what? What did he say? When?”  
Callie sighs, and turns to their Moms.  
“I’m sorry…he needs to know this…he deserves to know this,” and they don’t protest. Callie turns to face Jude and reaches for his hands.  
“Jude…when Connor came to the hospital…the morning after…the morning after it happened…he was really upset. He…he wanted to see you. Wanted to know where your room was. But…they were only allowing Moms to sit in at that point. He…his Dad and Jesus and Brandon had to hold him back. He was crying and trying to get down the hall…he was calling out for you. And…”

Callie takes a breath, looks again to their Moms and back to Jude.

“…he was begging us…begging everyone to let him see you. He said ‘please, you have to let me…I love him and you have to let me see him.’”

Jude is transfixed. His mouth is hanging slightly open.

“He…he said…but…”  
“Jude…he doesn’t hate you. He loves you.”


	15. Wanted To Be Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is taken from the song Wanted To Be Loved by Daniel Ahearn, and this song was actually used in an episode of The F*sters.

_“There's a gentleness I've known_

_Know it best when it was fading…”_

Sleepless nights are a thing for him now. He’s not lying awake at 2am because it’s his first night back home, or because Jesus is across the room softly snoring. In fact, he’s not even really thinking about his suicide attempt. Obviously it’s always there, in his head. But his concentration now…it’s Connor. Connor is what is occupying his mind. And no matter how many times he tosses the idea around or how many times he imagines Connor saying it…he just can’t see it. Just can’t understand it. Connor looked so angry and so upset… _how could he still love me?_ Jude thinks. Jude though…Jude still loved Connor. Of course he did. Even after he broke it off with him he still loved him. Even as his world began to fall apart he still loved him. When he reached out to Connor…and even when Connor rejected him…he still loved him. That’s why Jude left him an audio message the night he tried to kill himself. Not out of spite or revenge or with the intention of making Connor feel guilty. But out of love. He wanted the last person to hear from him to be Connor. He wanted to let Connor know that this wasn’t his fault and that he loved him. Jude couldn’t remember everything he said in the message though. He’d already taken some of the pills when he recorded it. And now he…now he wanted to know…needed to know…

 

_“Because I wanted to be loved_

_I just wanted to get close to you…”_

 

In the morning he knocks gently on his Moms’ bedroom door and shuffles in. They’re in bed talking.

 

“Um…if one of you guy’s isn’t busy today…I kind of need a favour…please…”

 

***

 

Text from Zeke: Sounds like a sad situation, for real

Connor: Yeah. My Dad is starting to freak out a bit too

Zeke: How?

Connor: He said something about me talking to someone. Like a shrink or something. Thinks that I’m not coping

Zeke: Heavy. You gonna do that??

Connor: Nah.

Connor: After I got shot that time I tried it but it was weird

Zeke: WHAT?? SHOT?? WTF??!!??!

Connor: Ya. I’ll spill when I see you. Seems like ages ago that happened

Zeke: I don’t know anyone who got shot.

Connor: That’s good right?!

 

There’s a knock at the door, so Connor gets off the couch and ambles over to answer it. The UPS guy. Package for his Dad. He puts it down at the foot of the stairs and heads back towards his phone so he can keep texting Zeke and there’s another knock at the door. It’s not the UPS guy this time.

 

“Hi.”

“Hi. What…what’re you…is everything ok?”

“Yeah…um…can I…can I come in? It won’t take long…I promise.”

Connor looks confused but beckons Jude in anyway. As he goes to close the door he sees Lena parked up outside. She waves and he waves back just before he gently closes the door. Jude turns around.

 

“I…I don’t remember everything…that I said in the message. I was…I was out of it and…I have it. In my phone. And I haven’t listened to it since…I only got my phone back yesterday…and I haven’t wanted to…but I feel like I should…like we should…because I owe you…I need to understand how I…what it made you feel when…when you heard it.”

“Um…”

“Connor…” and Jude takes a step towards him, “I think we have to do this. I did something terrible…I hurt you…again. Let’s just…we need to. I need to.”

 

When they’re sat on Connor’s couch Jude pulls his phone up and locates the audio message. He then places the phone on the coffee table.

 

“Ready?”

 

Connor nods, not looking at Jude, who reaches over and presses play.

 

“ _Connor…I’m sorry Connor…you’re not gonna want to hear from me, I know that…but I just wanna say…it’s not your fault, okay? No matter what, this isn’t your fault…it’s me…it’s mine. I’ve done this. And I just don’t…I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s just too hard and…it’ll be better this way…better for me…better for you and everybody else. But this isn’t your fault Connor…I don’t want you to think that…because you have a good heart…and you’re the best and knowing you…it was the happiest time of my life and I’m so sorry it ended and I just want you to be happy and you can be…so be happy Connor, please…be happy…because you deserve it. I’m sorry and it’s not your fault…I love you Connor…”_

And it’s finished.

And they sit there.

In silence. Crying, but quietly. Both of them.

 

“I…I didn’t remember all of it…what I said,” whispers Jude. And then…

 

“I asked my Mom to wait…I just thought…I don’t think now is the time to…talk…about it, you know? Um…you’re leaving tomorrow, yeah?” Connor nods. “Okay…so, can I come and see you before you leave? If you want me to…”

“I…Jude…of course you can.” Connor wipes tears from his face, following Jude’s lead.

“Cool…okay…” and Jude stands up. “Tomorrow then…at…10…or 11?”

“11 is fine. I think we have to leave here at…noon or something, I can’t remember for sure…”

“Alright…well…bye Connor…” and Jude takes a step towards him and kisses him gently on the cheek. Connor doesn’t move one single solitary inch as Jude does this. Nor does he move as he watches Jude leave and close the front door.

 

Jude uses the back of his sleeve to continue drying his face as he heads towards the car. As he’s pulling on his seatbelt he asks Lena if she can bring him by to see Connor tomorrow. He explains that he wants to see him one more time. He _needs_ to see him.

 

_“Because I wanted to be loved_

_I lost everything I knew…”_


	16. Standing on the Edge of Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter. Enjoy and comment if you want.

Talk to someone. Write things down. Don’t leave things rolling around in your mind. All things Dr Ramos advised Jude to do to aid in his recovery. Other people can help you, but they can’t save you. Responsibility. Honesty. Trust. It’s a harsh lesson for a 14-year old to learn. But when this 14-year old tried to take his life then the kid gloves have to come off. Jude has to grow up. Fast. He knows this. As awkward as things are and as uncomfortable as he feels…at least he is here. Alive. People saved his life. People are there for him. His family. Dr Ramos. And Connor…

…Connor…Connor who loves him. He said it, at the hospital. Even after what Jude did. But Jude wasn’t surprised, not when he really thought about it. Because Connor was…nice. And good. The best friend that Jude fell in love with. The boy who stood up to his own Dad so he could be with Jude. Who moved away from his Dad so they could stay together. Connor who came to the hospital for him. Demanded to see him. This boy Connor…Connor deserved better. Connor deserved to be happy and to be treated like he mattered. So Jude had to…Jude had to do something that he really didn’t want to do but…Connor, Connor deserved better. Better than this mess. 

“So…um…you don’t have to wait. I can call you when I need getting.”  
“Well…I don’t know Jude…I’d rather wait…”  
“It’s okay Momma, really…I’m gonna be here. I’m not going to…I’ll be here. I promise.”  
She looks like she doesn’t completely believes him, but he reaches for Lena’s hand and looks her in the eye.  
“I promise Momma.”

He doesn’t notice her drive away as he stands on Adam Stevens’ porch. He just stares at the front door, composing himself. Readying himself for what he has to do. He knocks. He smiles when Connor opens the door. And the smile is returned. 

“So, you want a soda or something? Water? Anything?”  
“Um…sure, a soda would be great.”

Jude follows Connor out of the kitchen but instead of turning into the living room he heads for the staircase. Jude pauses momentarily, out of confusion more than anything. The last time he followed Connor upstairs to his bedroom he saw all his things packed up…then they stood awkwardly and it was then that it really hit Jude that Connor was going. That was probably the start of Jude’s downward spiral. And now…as he goes back into Connor’s room…The bed is still there. And some other things but Connor clearly doesn’t live here. All his important things went with him to Los Angeles. There’s a suitcase on the floor, some clothes hanging out of it. It looks packed. Connor is almost ready to leave. Again. Jude turns and notices that Connor has sat down on the bed, and he motions for Jude to join him.

“So…déjà vu huh?” asks Connor.  
“Hmm, yeah…”  
“So, Jude…I’m glad we talked yesterday…I mean…you know, talked about what happened…that night…”  
“Yeah…I felt…I felt I owed you that much, at least.”  
Connor nods.  
“And…I just wanted to…to thank you. For coming to…for being at the hospital. I know you were angry that day I woke up and saw you there…but I also know…I know how upset you were. And I’m sorry I did that. I should…I should never have done what I did. I mean…what I said…about…about loving you…it wasn’t a lie, Connor. And it wasn’t the pills…or my emotional state…that was me. Totally me. I do love you Connor. I think I have pretty much since the first time you talked to me at school. And…maybe that’s not healthy…to be so in love at our age but…I need to be honest with you. And I’m glad I’ve got the chance to be honest with you. Because…it’s the least you deserve. You deserve not to be…not to be caught up in me and how messy I’ve gotten…and you deserve to be happy.”

Connor hasn’t moved or spoken since Jude started talking. He’s just staring intently, looking scared to death. Jude takes a breath and continues.

“I know…about…Callie said that you were yelling for me and shouted that…that you loved me and that makes me so sad and so happy at the same time. I can’t even tell you…” and Jude’s voice cracks. “…and maybe it was just because you were upset…or…I don’t know…and I don’t deserve your love. Not really. I know that now.”

Slowly, Jude moves his hand up to Connor’s cheek.

“Connor…I want the best for you…I want you to be safe and happy…you need to go home and put all this mess behind you. I’m going to get better…and I’m not going to cause problems for you or anyone. I want you to get on with your life…”

…and Jude closes the gap between himself and Connor…and places a soft kiss on his lips.

“Thank you Connor…” whispers Jude against Connor’s lips, “…thank you for being you.”

As he moves away Connor notices Jude, like himself, has tears running down his cheeks. But Jude is smiling at him. Warmly. This boy…Connor has so much he wants to say, but…Jude takes his hand off Connor’s cheek, stands up and walks out of the bedroom. 

As he gets to the bottom of the stairs Jude knows…he knows he’s done the right thing. And he feels…relieved. He’s set Connor free. Connor can move on with his life, and Jude himself can concentrate on getting better. He opens the front door and steps onto the porch before he realises he hasn’t called Lena to come get him. He could walk home but he knows she wouldn’t like that so he stops and pulls out his phone. He unlocks it and goes to dial.

“I meant it.”

Those words came not from his phone, but from behind him. Jude hadn’t closed the front door. Turning around, he sees him. 

Connor.

Stood at the bottom of the stairs.

“Meant…meant what?”  
“The hospital…” replies Connor, stepping slowly towards the open door, “…what I said at the hospital…what Callie told you I said…I meant it. I…I love you.”

Jude doesn’t know what to say. His mind has stopped working, his body has shut down. He drops his phone, but it barely registers when it hits the decking. 

“I don’t want you to leave. Not…not yet.”

This isn’t an issue as Jude is rooted to the spot. His body doesn’t want him to go anywhere.

“Jude…” and Connor steps out onto the porch. “…I don’t want…I don’t want to be…set free from you.” He stops dead in front of Jude. Close enough so Jude can feel Connor’s breath on his face.  
“Connor…”  
“Just…just listen…please. Maybe it’s not healthy that we…that we feel this way…about each other. But…I haven’t stopped loving you. Not since the day I left. I mean…I’ve been angry with you and I’ve hated things you’ve done and I’ve been sad about things you’ve done…but…”  
“Connor…Connor you can’t save me…as perfect as you a-”  
“No…no Jude…I know I can’t save you…that’s not…that’s not what I mean. Only you can make you better…I know that. But I can…I’m offering…I’m offering my love. And if you…if you love me back…me and you…we can do this. We can make this work. I…I want to. If…if you do…”

Jude swallows, and stares back at Connor with his wide eyes…and never, ever has Jude wanted anything as much as this. Maybe even more than he wanted to get adopted. That’s what Connor means to him. And Connor…Connor is sure of Jude’s love for him…he is…he just isn’t sure Jude knows it.

“Jude…do you remember that film…Notting Hill? We watched it that time…and, do you remember when she stands in the bookstore and says…she says that she’s standing in front of the boy, and asking him to love her. That’s…that’s me Jude. I’m want to be there for you…now, and while you get better and…and in the future. I love you…and I’m asking you to lo-”

And Connor doesn’t get to finish the sentence, as the brown haired, wide eyed love of his young life flings his arms around Connor’s neck. He wraps his arms around Jude and holds on tight as Jude cries into his neck. Slowly…slowly…Jude relaxes and pulls his face away. And then they’re nose to nose. And then…Jude’s smiling…and nodding. 

“I love you too Connor…you really don’t have to ask.”

And then Connor is smiling back and Jude throws his arms around Connor’s neck again. And they stand there, in each other’s arms. For the longest time. And they don’t move. Not when the mailman approaches and leaves the mail on the porch. Not when Adam pulls into the driveway. Because, right in that moment, nothing matters to them but each other. It’s just them.

Jude and Connor. Together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has read, and commented/left kudos.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always welcome.
> 
> On Twitter I'm @allfeelingeye
> 
> On Tumblr I'm allfeelingeye


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